I was talking with a friend this a.m. and I heard myself say to her, "Philip has fired me." I laughed and said, "not really but..." With that she asked if she could call me back, she was checking out of a grocery store. During those interim moments I sat with what I had just said to her. It sounded so strong. "What feelings are beneath this,?" I asked myself. What do I feel? Who has he been for me?
I have felt supported by him, going through this 4 month manual physical therapy with him, along with 2 MRI's a Ct Scan, and X-Rays. He has helped me enormously by listening, teaching me, and giving me input as well as stretches to strengthen my left leg which lost mobility as a result of my left hip arthritis and pain. He recommended a Cortisone shot which I had done 2 weeks ago. It has given me 50% pain relief for which I am most grateful. So yesterday when I saw him he said, "Okay, this is my assessment. You are at a point where the ball is in your court (he knows I love tennis). There isn't much I can do anymore. You are the one now that will have to do the work, continued stretches, treadmill, and icing 3x day. I still want to see you once a week for a couple weeks just to check on your progress but what I would have you do here, you can do at home or at the gym. I knew this day would come but I didn't expect the feelings to be so strong,
As I sat waiting for my friend to call back, I asked myself what feelings I was experiencing. I knew I felt supported by him so I thought since I won't see him I don't feel supported. "That's not true," I said to myself. I can call him at anytime and he will be there. What is it? Abandonment feeling came to the surface immediately. It was right there and with tears. When I was 14 my mom died and I felt abandoned. That seems to be a core feeling that comes up periodically. So I sat with the feeling, letting the tears come and then thought about my slight runny nose I developed an hour after I left his new office. I thought it might have been a chemical reaction which I sometimes have to new carpeting and paint. So I took an allergy pill. My nose continued to run the rest of the night until this a.m.
After I talked with my friend for the second time, she affirmed my feelings (she knows my history). I then mentioned the runny nose and suggested maybe it is from grieving this change. She also is a great listener and thought it was possible.
Our conversation was 3 hours ago and I am delighted to say my nose is no longer running and I am grateful for getting to the bottom of this feeling and the willingness to sit and acknowledge it during my prayer time, as well as write about it now. I use to be ashamed to share my feelings. Growth can be most freeing. I know that God is always with me but there are times that I need "God with skin on." And so I say, thank you God for all the people you put in my path who love me and encourage me to let my light shine. mjk
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